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Hourly Jokes
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first.
That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
Hear about... the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell off the sofa?
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw." -- W. C. Fields
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#3) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 3: Have you ever experimented with the freeware Linux OS created by a group of anarchist acne-laden teenagers via the Net? A. No, I'd never trust my work to a piece of non-Microsoft software. B. No, I'd never trust my computer to a piece of software that has a restrictive license agreement such as the GNU GPL. C. No, I don't want to mess with the ancient command line interface Linux imposes on its users. D. Yes, but I quickly migrated back to modern Windows NT after I had trouble figuring out how to boot the thing from the cryptic LILO prompt.
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
"All I need is a little room to lay my hat and a few friends." -- Dorothy Parker to a real estate agent, on looking for an apartment
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" -- Daniel Hinojosa
Know her mind and you can have her body, know her heart and you have her soul.
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!
IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." -- Galileo Galilei
"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper." -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-Duff
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes on the same day.
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization ... HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James Thurber
The dame was hysterical. Dames Usually are. -- Calvin as Tracer Bullet
Jesus Never Fails (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: (1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. (2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. (3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
LA: Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. From mud slides to brush fires.
Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
Q: What can you use used tampons for? A: Tea bags for vampires.
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
A lonely young lad of Eton Used always to sleep with the heat on, Till he ran into a lass Who showed him her ass -- Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know you care?
Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. -- Shakespeare
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
A chippy who worked in Black Bluff Had a pussy as large as a muff. It had room for both hands And some intimate glands, And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us. -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
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